Friends,
Thanks for reading my blog. I’ve loved having your support thus far. What a treat it is to share my life, to be vulnerable in this way. It’s truly a gift, one I hope every person comes to revel in.
Sex abuse is a tough subject to be in contact with in anyway: hearing it, seeing it (maybe in a movie or T.V series), reading about it, simply knowing it happens out there, way out there, seemingly far away. It’s a hard topic to write on without perpetuating trauma, and the last thing I’d want to do is cause you to turn your face away from the topic, (though I’d completely understand if you’d need to). I’ve had to be creative about introducing the topic. I wonder if you’ve noticed the vagueness of it, my subtle hints toward it, in these two blog posts: The journey begins! and About a boy (and a girl too!).
Still, it’s the topic I hope to shed light on in this blog. Thanks for sticking around while I hash out some of the messy stuff that led me here, before you. There’s plenty of beauty to come, I promise! You're support has been heaven sent.
For this reason it saddens me to announce, I’m taking a brief hiatus. I’m a student and this semester is packed with 18 credits! All accelerated classes, 3 of which will start, finish and overlap, during these next 6 weeks. Whoa. What was I thinking? I wasn’t. I let my academic counselor think for me. Maybe I should have been a little more involved in the process… Oh well! I’m pretty organized. I’VE GOT THIS! But it’ll take all my extra energy and focus, every. single. shard. of it. I’ll have little leftover to invest in decent blog post but, I’VE GOT THIS.
I like blogging. I like you by my side. For those of you who can be patient just know that, very much like The Terminator, “I’ll be back!” Here’s to hoping for all A’s!
Temporarily signing off, Lion Heart
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Running.
Me a mom! It was bitter-sweet, I was seventeen and unprepared for the news of a pregnancy. Yet knowing this, that I had a baby inside me, depending on me for sweet life, well I can’t say I didn’t smile, even if I was only seventeen.
Holding my belly, I knew I wanted the shot at being a mom to this precious life, not just in the biological sense. I didn’t however want to make the decision selfishly. After all, what did I know about mothering?
Everything I believed about myself told me I wasn’t good enough for this role. So I did maybe the one thing I’ve always been good at and I prayed. First that this baby would be healthy. I bargained with God praying “God if you let this baby be perfectly healthy, I promise, I promise, I’ll raise him for you.” Secondly, I prayed that I could be changed. I pleaded with God praying “Help me to be a good mom, please God, please.”
Looking around at my life, I knew, for sure, I was far from deserving of such a calling. What a mess I had made of myself. Yet, as this baby grew inside me, I fell deeply in love with him. I’d do everything I could to secure his well-being and happiness. So I looked around at the mess, and everything leading up to it, and promised to run hard and fast in the opposite direction of it.
As the years past, without forgetting the goodness of God, I successfully disassociated myself from everything before motherhood, at least that was the case until recently. So what happened?
In previous blog posts I reference some ways my past began begging for my attention. Still, last year was one of the best years, if not the best year of my life. To meet the end of it, with a different posture, to go from confident to immediately collapsed, was not what I was expecting. Perhaps only in the contrast of a radically good year, could the evidence of those bad years be so clear.
I care about how it is that I got here because I was caught off guard, not one of my favorite things to be. Whatever circumstances got me here, I think I’ve come to realize an easy way for me to sum all this up for myself. So for now, I’ll pause a blog post on perhaps the most significant event that lead to my dismay, and instead I’ll share a conclusion I’ve come to:
Obviously, I’m avid “life” runner and though I may pause to catch my breath, though I rest to rehabilitate my strength, I don’t give up running toward what is good. I may have unexpectedly collapsed but I’m already back up and at it, feet beneath me and stretching in preparation, I will run again. May I never give up running toward what is good.
Holding my belly, I knew I wanted the shot at being a mom to this precious life, not just in the biological sense. I didn’t however want to make the decision selfishly. After all, what did I know about mothering?
Everything I believed about myself told me I wasn’t good enough for this role. So I did maybe the one thing I’ve always been good at and I prayed. First that this baby would be healthy. I bargained with God praying “God if you let this baby be perfectly healthy, I promise, I promise, I’ll raise him for you.” Secondly, I prayed that I could be changed. I pleaded with God praying “Help me to be a good mom, please God, please.”
Looking around at my life, I knew, for sure, I was far from deserving of such a calling. What a mess I had made of myself. Yet, as this baby grew inside me, I fell deeply in love with him. I’d do everything I could to secure his well-being and happiness. So I looked around at the mess, and everything leading up to it, and promised to run hard and fast in the opposite direction of it.
As the years past, without forgetting the goodness of God, I successfully disassociated myself from everything before motherhood, at least that was the case until recently. So what happened?
In previous blog posts I reference some ways my past began begging for my attention. Still, last year was one of the best years, if not the best year of my life. To meet the end of it, with a different posture, to go from confident to immediately collapsed, was not what I was expecting. Perhaps only in the contrast of a radically good year, could the evidence of those bad years be so clear.
I care about how it is that I got here because I was caught off guard, not one of my favorite things to be. Whatever circumstances got me here, I think I’ve come to realize an easy way for me to sum all this up for myself. So for now, I’ll pause a blog post on perhaps the most significant event that lead to my dismay, and instead I’ll share a conclusion I’ve come to:
Obviously, I’m avid “life” runner and though I may pause to catch my breath, though I rest to rehabilitate my strength, I don’t give up running toward what is good. I may have unexpectedly collapsed but I’m already back up and at it, feet beneath me and stretching in preparation, I will run again. May I never give up running toward what is good.
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