The discovery of denial: In pursuit of holiness

Turning thirty caused a lot of reflection in my life. I’ve spent hours day dreaming about what my walk with God is, and furthermore how much closer of a walk it could be.

Months ago an old curiosity of mine surfaced and in times of prayer I’d ask “God what is it like to be holy, like you are holy?” There are attributes of God I know: joy, peace, love, but I had yet to be satisfied with my knowledge of holiness. I feel as though I know little of it, if anything at all.

Seemingly so far away I had imagined “holiness” was a pursuit reserved for clergy and the ol’ fashioned, conservative, Christian. Yet when I took a good look around, I saw that holiness isn’t an attribute exclusive to clergy and ol’ fashioned, conservative, Christians. Instead there are many Christians, like me, not clergy, not ol’ fashioned, not entirely conservative, who are pursuing it and they are absolutely radiant of God’s character. Believing myself capable, I set off on a pursuit of holiness.

Quickly I came to the realization that there are plenty of things I need to rid myself of. Plenty of things that take away from a genuine experience of God’s presence, and therefore my capacity for holiness. Things that distract and distort, things that destroy and cause me to deny. 

To deny, is a refusal to accept or admit. It can also be defined as a declaration of something untrue, aka a lie. I hadn’t immediately believed that I was at risk for having denied anything that truly hindered my pursuit of holiness. But that’s the tricky little thing about denial: you don’t know that you’re smack dab in the middle of it, when you are, smack dab in the middle of it. Darn it!

It was a culmination of events that exposed my denial. Painful events. Nevertheless, I’ve come to the realization that I am lying to myself when I say, my personal experience with sex abuse was no big deal. Sex abuse is a big deal but when you experience it as a child, your brain can barely handle it so it minimizes it, denies the enormity of it. It's the only way your brain see's fit to survive it. 

Minimizing this tragedy has been:

• Distracting me from purity
• Distorting my perceptions of forgiveness
• Destroying my ability to experience intimacy
• Denying me the fullness of God's grace and mercy

No wonder I'd believed that holiness was so far from me. My self fed lies made me blind to some of it's essential elements.

Honest thoughts
My pursuit of holiness is a lot messier than I imagined it would be. So much so, I’m not even sure I’m in pursuit of it anymore. I feel too tired to be in pursuit of anything right now. My desire right now is for freedom and healing and oh how I wish each would fall upon me this instant.  I wonder if only a free, healed, person can take those closer steps toward holiness? Is that why I’m here right now? I'm I getting close?

Journey with me?

Weeks ago I came toe to toe with memories from my past that shook me to my core. Propelled into confusion and immediate weariness, I peg this life season as a turbulent one. 

There are parts of my past that I’ve always preferred to see and speak of as very matter of fact. Why wouldn’t I? After all I was lucky enough to not really be affected by it. It felt appropriate to see and speak of it as very matter of fact. I mean, I was affected enough to know I had to: Grieve. Pray. Survive. But not affected enough to believe I needed much more than that. 

Yet as I’ve matured in faith, I’ve prayed oh-so-boldly that God’s will prevail in my life. And I must say, I’m not sure that it’s God’s will that I go on merely surviving. Surely God’s provided the strength. Surely God’s sustained me. Surely God’s refined me. For many have shared with me I am:

Faithful. Friendly. Motivated. Passionate. Godly. Authentic. Spiritual. Positive . Humble. Approachable. Genuine. Kind. Generous. Inspirational. Down to earth. Fun loving, and fun, and loving. Creative. Very organized. Honest. Encouraging. Talented. Real. A fierce loving mother of kind, polite kids. Caring. Sincere. Strong. Forgiving. Loyal. An example to aim for. Bright countenance. Intelligent. Compassionate. Cheerful. Pleasant. Brave. Dedicated. Earnest. Mindful of my priorities. Thoughtful. Persistent. Unafraid. Not easy to give up on staying connected. Warm. Welcoming. (Oh, and maybe not completely relevant here, I’m also a beautiful, smiling, person with nice skin and killer legs, just so ya know). 

All these positive qualities, none of which I could attain without God’s refinement. So surely, God’s been behind my surviving. It’s a God good thing for which I’m thankful. 

I want to share with you what it is that I’ve come toe to toe with. What it is that’s shook me to my core. What it is that’s propelled confusion and weariness. What it is that I’ve survived. That is, sex abuse in childhood and in youth. 

I’m not here to divulge details or place blame. Instead I’d rather share a story about how God has worked in my life in such a way, that I’m here, before it, ready to begin healing from it. 

If you’d like to journey with me in this. Stay tuned.